Monday, January 7, 2019

More or less

 Melting Moments for Christmas


So here we are again. Another year on the clock. Where did the last one go? Do you remember I had a word to reflect on, for last year? Sacrifice. It turns out, I had to make a few of those. Ones, very close to my heart.

The extended dry, killed parts of my garden and then the kangaroos ate what was left. My small kitchen garden, gave me a few rays of hope. Although, I suppose, 2018 was the year my garden ultimately broke me. Just because so much of my garden was affected. Normally, it's only the annual edibles, I give up on. Because they're so thirsty, and I just don't have the water to keep them going.


 Two Lady Finger bananas, barely survive
Lost all my Ducasse, varieties


As so much of the land dried out this time, however, I simply couldn't run small amounts of water to the perennials, to make a difference either. I've lost several hundred dollars, on plants. Some haven't even made it, into the ground yet. Some have struggled for years and finally gave up the ghost. With them, went my hopes for resuscitating my garden, in any meaningful way.

But you know, "sacrifice" is not about feeling hopeless. Or thwarted. I don't feel any of those. In fact, I feel liberated. I'm simply letting go of the things I cannot keep. Something else will eventually filter through. Will it be plants? I cannot say for sure. Now though, I don't want for something else to take it's place. Embracing it's okay to let something substantial go, doesn't require a substitute or recompense. That's not the point.


Experiments in mixed media,
with an old, Australian icon - the suburban Post Box 


The other sacrifice I had to make, took me quite by surprise. Last year, our youngest started school. I was looking forward to settling him in and focusing on something I've always wanted to do. Starting a creative business. I had all these plans, and even initiated a few. Then I found myself getting depressed and unhealthy. It slowly crept up on me.

Instead of focusing on my creative business, I suddenly had to start focusing on my health. The guilt inevitably arose, because I hate being sick. I'd rather be productive! But for this season in my life, if I didn't stop and do the things necessary - what good, would I be to my family? I've lived too long to know, you cannot ignore these things.


 Our youngest, at a few weeks old ~
turning 6, this year!


What was ultimately driving my sadness though, was the choice to give up, having kids. No more babies. The very last, was now spending a lot of time at school. On the other end of the spectrum, my eldest, was only two-years away from graduating high school. Yikes! My babies.

So aging was no longer on the far horizon any more. It was camping firmly on my doorstep. Forcing me to identify, who this new me, was going to be. One thing was for sure though, it wasn't the old me. Yet, how to let go of someone, I liked being, very much?


Child's play


Sacrifice. There's that word again. I just had to let, what was once a flourishing season of my life - go. I'm turning 45 this year, and that's the NEW season I'm heading into. The upside of this sacrifice and realisation process, is being healthier than I've been for a long time. I took up lifting weights, and eating really well. It's not a passing phase either, because the meaning of sacrifice, has finally sunk in.

It's not the wanting, or waning, once you have to give something up. It's not scrambling for distraction, or something else, to replace it. You have to take life with both hands, and accept you're going to be fine, "without". Sounds simple enough, but it took me a whole year to work through so much change, and feel grateful for the process.


Saving seed for planting again


So thank you 2018, for what you were. The no frills. The loss. All those goodbyes. Finally. Acceptance. So that 2019, can be what it needs to be, also.

I hope you all recognise, and get to enjoy your own evolution process, during 2019. Whatever it holds. May you discover, you're more than you appear to be, or have achieved prior. Even if that requires giving something up. Because on the wide spectrum of more or less, you're going to land somewhere you need to be. Embracing your own "without" moments, is ultimately about liberating yourself.

What did you have to forgo in 2018, which set you up for 2019?


      

16 comments:

  1. I remember at the beginning of 2017 until the rains from Cyclone Debbie came a period where I was watching my garden die off due to lack of water. It was really hard.

    I did forego blogging last year. Not because I lacked the time but because I was intently focused on other things.

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    1. Those gardens pull at the old heartstrings. Especially when gardening is what you love doing. Forgoing the blog, happens here occasionally too. When real-life beckons, it's time to answer the call. :)

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  2. What an excellent post, Chris. So very thought provoking. The whole garden thing was so heart-breaking. We have some seasons like that, but so far they've never extended themselves to the lengths yours do. I always find, though, that "fails" tend to be opportunities for the creative process. Maybe not in a traditional artistic sense, but in the problem solving and planning arenas.

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    1. Yes, absolutely, fails inspire creativity. It's when consecutive ones occur at the same time though, you get a little sidelined, lol. Although it does provide the opportunity for considered reflection too, so you can return with a fresh perspective. Hopefully, better than before. :)

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  3. A beautiful and poignant post Chris, I looked at your struggles with your garden last year and felt for you. Knowing how much you love your gardening.

    Your artwork is beautiful! I look forward to seeing more.

    I don't know If I have a word for last year, I think patience and letting go were focal themes. This year I think will most certainly be one of new beginnings.

    xx

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    1. Thanks Emma. That particular post box, was part of a vintage series. Doing it, I learned how much I love old things and old-fashioned values, the vintage inspires. Like taking a walk to post a letter, with your mum. Back when it was normal to do so, lol.

      May you new beginnings, blossom, in the right time.

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  4. Thoughtful post from you as usual, Chris. I don't know what 2019 promises for me; I think I'll just go from day to day, especially during the remainder of summer. We had our first hot day last week....42C and the young leaves fried on the plants. Gardens simply aren't used to this sort of weather.

    I let go of my blog in 2018; I just lost interest in it. Repeating the same stuff season after season, and there are so many other good food-growing blogs around.

    So you're 45, and I was already 30 when you were born. I can't remember life at 45, or even 30!

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  5. Ha! Bev, you made me laugh. To some, I'm already over the hill. To others, I'm still a spring chicken, lol. We will always come before someone else, and afterwards. But life keeps teaching us all. I concur though, I barely recognise the 24 year-old me, who first laid eyes on my future husband. Or the 32 year old, who first walked onto our land. So much evolution in one lifetime. I hope the weather is kinder to your garden, and when you do want to write on your blog, you know I will always read it. :)

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  6. Chris, I can relate to what you have written in your post about how you felt when your youngest started school. Our son moved out for the first time a few weeks ago so there have been big changes for me to cope with after all these years. It will take time like it did with you but life moves on. From my perspective you are definitely a spring chicken. LOL!

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    1. Ah Chel, that journey of them leaving the nest completely, still awaits me. Baby steps. But that must be so hard! They take up so much of our lives, then they're gone. I wish him all the best in his new home though. Is that the same Son, you go away with, for annual holidays?

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  7. I always enjoy your posts Chris and I feel deeply for what you're going through. When things are not going quite as we planned it's often our gardens that we turn to to bring us joy and lift us out of sadness. So when the rain stops falling and we see our treasured plants withering it feels like a real kick in the guts.... if you don't mind my expression! I've had to finally accept that the rose arbor B built and planted for me one birthday years ago, will have to be let go as the water required to keep alive just isn't sustainable. I'm grateful that we have mains water to fall back on when our tanks dry up, but we don't much like receiving excessive water bills. I agree with Chel, from my perspective too, you've got a heck of a lot of life ahead of you. I think I do recall that 45 was a turning point for me too in many ways, mostly turned out to be very positive when I learned to accept and let go. 2019 will bring what it brings, it's how we deal with it that counts.

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    1. You hit the nail, right on the head Sally. I had to come to terms with the end of an era (with my children) while I couldn't turn to my garden, for that unspoken meditation time it seems to provide. Two big elements in my life, that were falling away, at the same time. On the other side though, it becomes a powerful teacher.

      I know exactly the mixture of regret and liberty, giving something up in the garden (like your rose arbor) must be. Regret to lose something with a lot of meaning behind it, but also liberty, in that it's 100% the right season to do it. And who knows what will come after? That's been the surprise revelation for me, Sally. Not knowing or even wanting something to replace it. Nonetheless, hopeful, meaningful change is on the way. Indeed, 2019, will bring what it brings. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  8. I think you must have written this for me, Chris! Just before the end of the year, I received a job offer, an alternative in many ways to the job I am slotted to return to (part-time) in just two weeks! In reality, my dream job in a school I just adore. I had to turn that offer down and it hurt!!! So, for me, sacrifice came when I had to listen to my head instead of being able to follow my heart. At 46 and counting, an opportunity like it may never come again. I can choose to regret that or I can make the most of where I am going to work. I've chosen the latter. Change beckons in 2019! May this coming year bring you more rain, time for your amazing Art and time to enjoy being the person and age that you are! Meg

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    1. Thanks for sharing your sacrifice, Meg. It becomes twice as hard, to let something fall away, that's completely within your power to change. Especially a dream, goal or purpose, you feel called to perform. Yet there are often important responsibilities, which cannot be ignored either. That's when priorities, force you to make a decision - maybe away from the direction, you wanted to go. But we can still honour the "purpose" we are given, in the direction we end up, having to go.

      I'm glad you've found peace with your personal sacrifice. Also, thanks for the well-wishes too. May you also be inspired by what you can perform, in your own unique way, during 2019.

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  9. Oh Chris, virtual hugs for you from me. It seems something all women go through, even though I haven't had children, the loss and acceptance after, the question of what now? I went through that early thanks to infertility, but it is painful, and takes time to get through.
    My garden is also pretty dead, and I've all but given up on growing much other than my pot/indoor plants. Just not enough water. I'm reassessing everything again, change is in the air.

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    1. Thanks Manda. We had similar paths in the beginning, as I suffered infertility too. Turns out, diet fixed all that - unbeknownst to me at the time. I will share more in a comment on your blog, as I see you're talking about diet there too. So much happens through the gut, without us realising!

      I feel your pain with the garden. Although the rain has returned in very small showers for us, it's not enough to green things up, or help the larger plants when the sun and heat, return. But I do consider us lucky to have any rain at all, while other places just still get hammered with the drought. May your changes become a balm, to you and Mr Marty. Oh, and the chickens. ;)

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